I have had this image in my mind for the majority of last year and have finally been able to extract it from it’s place in my mind and create it. Now I’m finished though, I’m sitting here feeling like I can’t, or shouldn’t share. I could delve into the why’s or how’s but I’m honestly exhausted from the why’s and how’s of my brain currently.
Maybe I’ll pop back and blog another day 🙂
it’s only taken 5 months!
so here goes. Saying out loud the things that have been bumbling around in this head as I have been struggling to come to an understanding of exactly what’s going down health wise.
Now let me preface this by saying that I am the most sceptical person when it comes to what is going on with my health, and will always do everything to find a logical explanation for new and/or worsening symptoms before accepting that they are actually a thing.
I’ve been losing my mind. Slowly. but surely. My memory and my comprehension over the past 12/18mths have been declining. At first I just thought it was simply stress, a passing phase, everyone forgets things and can’t multitask at times right? But the memory lapses started affecting my actual world. I legit forgot my own name a few weeks back. Ordering food with a friend and asked my name for the order. I looked at my friend with a blank ass expression and my brain whispered to itself “her name’s easier but I can’t remember either of our names”. Like wtf? I’ve had insane days I refer to as ‘dementia days’ where I wander around my house in circles like a goldfish, constantly forgetting what I’m doing until a few hours have passed, I’ve done nothing more than walk in circles and I break down cause I can’t remember shit. My comprehension and ability to multitask have near disappeared completely. And this is where this image came in.
I can’t multitask anymore. I can no longer juggle all of life’s “stuff”. It’s gotten bad. Where once I could be sorting kids, while the computer was running and I was accomplishing business stuff, while my phone was chiming away the sounds of my online social life, all while keeping in mind what is up in this moment, the next and all the things that are up the next few days or even weeks…..
Now… not so much. My brain now operates like someone living out of moving boxes with only space enough to open one at a time.
I’m sure I could have come up with a brilliant computer analogy had I have been that way inclined but eh.. this is where my imagination led me visually.
When my kids are here I seem to be only able to comprehend being a mum and doing what I have to do and want to do with them for the time I have them. Can I think of anything to do with the days beyond when they are here? nope. Some one asks “What are you doing tuesday?” nudda, nottaclue, got nutin.
The day I pick them up from school, I can’t fit in anything I can’t easily switch from or I’ll forget that I have to pick them up. And if I do by chance want to go shopping or hang out with a girlfriend on one of those days? I will completely forget everything I have to do to prepare for the kids.
Don’t ask me anything business related on a kid day either cause all you’ll get is a blank face. It sucks. I have so much knowledge in this head but if I’m not in that box at the time, I can’t access it.
I have so much less energy than the normal person and so much less ability to fit everything in. I used to excel at this. Now I burn things I’ve forgotten I’d even considered beginning to cook let alone should have pulled out of the oven.30.minutes.ago. I accomplish something, it takes me ages to recover and get my brain into gear for the next thing that needs to be accomplished.
And you know what the coolest thing about moving boxes are? Every now and again one breaks open spilling it’s contents everywhere and you have to deal with it before you can go back to your other stuff. Or… you have to upend one full of a bullshit amount of crap you don’t want to deal with anymore, but you have to face it in the hopes of finding one thing that might make current life a little easier. So much effort and no guarantees here either.
I’ve gotten to the point in trying to make my point where I’ve run out of words and I can’t even tell if the ones I’ve already written even make sense or portray the difficulty I have in dealing with the everyday life stuff these days. I think my brain is so exhausted from the never ending pain, that it is seriously damaging my ability to simple do and be. Yet on the whole I’ve gotten better at coping with this illness.
I set alarms. I make endless lists, I have blackboard covered my fridge…. I have reminders on every wall of my house of why I am here and why I continue this struggle despite the exhaustion. I have friends who remind what day it is, and of important things I need to remember. I am careful with my boxes and I open only what I have the energy for. They get shifted around so much. But I have no other option, lest I be swallowed whole by them, engulfed by the pain and not survive this illness at all, let alone with any dignity.
I feel it has made me a terrible human being. I am terrible at keeping in touch with loved ones let alone friends. I read messages and cannot reply because I’m not in that brain space and it can take a ridiculous amount of time before I am and can respond. I’ve had to sacrifice how much I can give and support others. It has made supporting myself financially impossible, and I become a burden in so many ways as a result. The guilt piles up beside the boxes of my life.
I am assured by those who love me, that I am not a burden and I would not have their support if I wasn’t worthy. I try to take that on board and feel it. But the weight of those who have fallen away at the persistence of my illness plays on my mind often.
Here spilleth Kiarn’s brains…
Positive one moment, saddened by my reality the next.
But there is one thing I am positive of. And that is, that despite how difficult it is. I am able to at least deal with one box of stuff at a time. And the boxes I currently have, are filled with some beautiful things.
So here I am, all living and stuff. Stick with me 🙂
~Terminally Talented Aussie Artist
ps… should I read this back later for brain farts?….. nah