GUILT IS A KILLER
And I’d put all my money (I know that’s not much but that means more then doesn’t it??) on the fact that guilt plays the largest role in suicides the world over.
No one in this world is good enough. We aren’t good enough for the socially acceptable standards placed upon every human being, not good enough parents, wives, mothers, dads, partners, friends, siblings, whatever. So much never seems good enough. We can be the nicest person on the planet, get everything 100% right and still we would be not enough for some people.
And you know what?? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
I wanted to die again last night. It’s the first time I’ve felt like that since I attempted suicide at christmas. And you know what the trigger was? GUILT. Mother f*&%ing guilt. Again.
I’m a terrible person. I can’t do anything right. I’m not grateful enough. I’m not good enough. My entire life is my own fault. My health and diseases are my own fault. My inability to work is my own fault, not that of my health. My homelessness, my fault. My lack of finances, my fault. My loss of life possessions and having to replace them, my housing situation, my need to reach out and ask for help….. List goes on. And if all these things are my fault and I’m that sucky as a human why the fuck am I here? Why am I here having to ask for help and burdening others with my existence? I can’t change half of my issues, they are completely out of my hands… and set to get worse as I get older… The need for help and assistance will rise the worse my health gets, the older I get…. So… Why am I here???????
Now I’ve been really bloody proud of how I’ve gone this year. I’ve been taught and had to learn how to actually reach out for help AND THAT IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP. I have also progressed with my mental health in ways I never actually imagined I would. I never thought I’d get to the point where a level 10 pain flare wouldn’t result in me wanting to end it. But that’s where I’m at. I don’t react like that anymore. Unsure why to be honest. I just don’t. It’s highly possible the pain of actually dying, the experience itself, is the reason that trigger has gone, but that along with my hypothesis that I killed the defective brain cells responsible is just that, a hypothesis. Meanwhile. There’s nothing on the other side of dying… lots of pain then nothing, nada, zilcho. Not exactly something to look forward to when there’s even small things in this life I kinda like let alone love. Breezes on my cheek, the beach, campfires, my kiddos, my mumma and sister, the ant dragging half a shape across the driveway the other day, a certain ginge who gives great cuddles…. But I digress…..
Tread carefully in the lives of others.
TREAD FUCKING CAREFULLY IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS
I mean that sounds pretty bloody simple doesn’t it? Especially if you have prior knowledge that a persons life you are walking through, even momentarily, is a tough one, is one that has seen suicide, looked it in the face and said “come on, take me, this world is too much”. You really wanna be the one thing that pushes that person to that point again?
SO MANY PEOPLE DO THIS!!! IT”S DISGUSTING!!
Selfish people. Selfish people everywhere. Thoughtless people, thoughtless people everywhere. Locked in their own worlds seeing nothing but what affects them and them alone.
Now I get it. Everyone has their own lives. Their own problems. And as a sufferer of depression and anxiety, I have actually learned this year the best coping mechanism is simply to remember that the absence of people is not because they don’t care. It’s because they don’t realise that right in that moment is when their care is needed. No-one can read minds. Everyone has their own lives to live and no-one can be on the ball checking on every single person they love and care about at every moment. This does not mean they do not care or do not love us. It is only the sufferer that can reach out in that moment. Which is why SO MANY people die. So many suicides are not seen coming. It can hit in an instant. The suicidal feelings. And when it does, remembering the love and care that exists when it is not actually right in front of us is really bloody difficult or not possible at all. This is why depression and anxiety are diseases. This is why suicides happen. And succeed. And the stigma should be removed. The ability to reach out, the ability to think straight and cohesively and remember the world in it’s actual state is removed from us. It is actually impossible. It can’t just be snapped out of anymore than a magic wand exists to mend a broken bone. The synapses in our brain just don’t fire correctly anymore and the whole world is against us and love isn’t even a real thing anymore. I mean for God sake Robin Williams thought the world was out to get him!
And this is why EVERYONE needs to tread so carefully in the lives of others. Because being suicidal is such a dangerous place to be in. It may be the last place the person you triggered visits. And no one wants to then live with the guilt that that knowledge would bring if the guilt they put on someone sent them to an irretrievable place.
To those who suffer as I do. If anyone places guilt on you or makes you feel guilty, for anything, walk away. Do NOT take it on board. YOU are doing your best to stay on this planet. AND that is a HUGE undertaking. Just because it’s easy for others to stay on this planet doesn’t make us less of a human either! Or them any better than us….
The day someone who has never experienced it has a fall, guess who’ll be there to help them hold on? Us. We have so much experience holding onto this planet we can’t help but share that with anyone else struggling, and you know what? I reckon that makes us some BADASS motherfuckers worthy of all this planet has to offer.
Badass Planet Dweller