Jun 8 – I cannot formulate the words. The sweetest things can cause the worst pains.
Jun 10 – I’m slowly coming to terms with the giant amount of emotions that were unsuspectingly triggered over the weekend. Beneath my enduring and constant positive outlook on life and helping and being a source of comfort and assistance to everyone around me is a very broken, shattered in some lights, at certain angles, turn me around and find parts of me are missing, soul.
I very very rarely share the stories, the absolute depths to which my cracks go, the reasons why on occasion my self worth is completely and utterly non existant. Why it has taken the majority of my life to get to the point of loving myself the way I am, accept myself in any form, mood, light, etc…. So when something triggers these to be spilled forth from me the other party is generally left in as much a state of shock as I am.
This shock, this rawness, this depth of intense pain is exactly what came forth in this image. The basis for this image has been banging around in my head leaving bruises on the inside of my skull for weeks… every time I considered shooting it, building it, something got in the way… But this weekend it had to be done. Like the trigger, like my issue spewing forth from my mouth in a screwed up tear strewn state it was inevitable, it couldn’t be stopped.
To H I am deeply deeply sorry you were the unsuspecting trigger for what is such a deep and really sordid and sometimes disgusting issue that I have spent my whole life dealing with. The fact you have stuck by me though to help me through makes you worth a million of the best friends I’ve ever had. You could have easily run for the hills, blame thrown, or refused that so often difficult word “sorry”. But you didn’t. You proved again how truly special a soul you are.
Life throws us the biggest curveballs and the hardest lessons disguised as the most beautiful things. The sweetest things can so easily become the source of some of our deepest pains and triggers for our worst issues. But if these things keep being triggered then we havn’t yet learned what we need to learn from them.
This week I became suicidal. I lost my will to live due to the magnitude of this issue. It came with such an apathy and numbness toward life I have never experienced before. Why am I still here? If I am constantly giving, constantly feeling empty, like the sweet things are there only to serve to hurt me and none to fulfill me?
But I know this will pass. I know I need to hold on. I know it even if right now I don’t feel it. If for this time my body was completely overtaken by the pain it must have been for a reason. So I am going to do everything to hold on, I am here I give, I will never stop giving, it’s not in me to stop.
If only one person is helped by knowing I can hold on. Knowing they are not alone. Knowing you can be so overtaken and still somehow come out the other side. Then I’ve done something. I have some purpose. And I will try to feel fulfilled by that for the moment.
Never stop feeling. Never stop being human. Never stop holding on. Never ever stop being who you are. For anyone.
Until next time
Toowoomba Fine Art Photographer